Suicide

Hold my hand and touch me in places that feel a little weird...
Bring it on, the lights are dim and we're alone..
Kiss my lips and feel me in places that I feel a little strange...
Cause your the only one who's lurked in these waters with me..

The drugs are cheap, the booze is great,
but I feel like I need to go away, go away..

Its too late now, I need to leave,I feel like,
I need to die! I need to die! need to die!!!
Its to late now.. I need to fly,
I feel like, suicide! suicide! suicide!!!

Empty pillows are what I hate the most to see...
Every night as I sleep without you, the thoughts keep killing me, killing me!!
I am singing, but you pretend like you didn't see me...
In a room filled with monsters and angels..need a razor blade...

The drugs are cheap, the booze is great,
 but the thoughts of you killing me everyday, everyday, everyday....

Its too late now, I need to leave,I feel like,
I am to high! I need to try! need to die!!!
Its to late now.. I need to fly, I feel like, suicide! suicide! suicide!!!

neon...

They say they found me dreaming,
They say I was not breathing…my pulse was lower than the drippings from the dome…
My only source of elixir…
They say I was down by the neon lights…
My head was heavy and my spirit was low…
I knew what had happened, but they knew even more…
Cigarette buds were fallen all around me…The blood from my wrists, anointed the ground…

Absinth is not supposed to be drunk pure, she told me…

Jane was always merciful…throughout the twenty-seven winter days that I lay dead….
I was really disturbed after the night I tore her apart…
Dreams had never been this intimidating….
I kept flying…I had no aim….
The cold breeze was never my friend…I had no soul to blame…
I’ve grown old…but I never grew intelligent…
The walls were too thick for me to walk through them…
I was asked not to crush but to embrace them…
I stopped, as I hear a serpent singing hymns…
It never really made me snivel like that…
I sat right there under the neon lights….
The guilt sweetened the pain of the knife…as it travelled smoothly across my wrist… 
Blood dripping…as the spirits left my body…
The air was filled with the scent of rotting meat…
Gods chapel was no longer sacred…
Parasites drank my nectar….
The neon lights were divine….
The light left my eyes....

Seraph

It was quite a regular evening...Jane was on one corner of the room...I could barely see her face from the young moon that was half way across its march for the night...

Her fingers moved smoothly over the strings of my guitar...her hair was untied..her eyes meeting mine...she looked like an angel...her white dress was white..everything was immaculate...

I hadn't eaten since morning...I was hungry....but I preferred her company more...and that of my cigarettes...
I had my shoes on...the air was humid...

We buzzed..we fluttered...

The clock struck 11 as Jane plucks a tune that makes my mind dance...our eyes meet again...her eyes had a certain flicker this time...the moon was covered... and the only light there was, was the one from the shop outside...there was not a voice I could hear...nor the footsteps of the ghosts outside...the only sound, was the croon from the guitar...She surely knew how to get me wild....

I reached out for my box of cigarettes...I realised it was empty...and I knew that wasn't good...but it didn't matter...for within seconds...my head was thumping...like the beating of a thousand drums...

I tried to keep calm...as I looked back at Jane....her hair was untied..her eyes meeting mine...She looked like an angel...her white dress was white..

I couldn't help it...I needed the rush...I wanted to feel the charge...part of it didn't feel right...but i could not resist the urges...

I knew it was wrong...I walk to the kitchen...trying to search for my benzodiazenpines...but everything was blurred..I could now see the seraphs standing right outside the balcony...they make me scared...they were depraved...and make me do evil things...they were dressed in black...

I lift the kitchen knife and walk up to Jane...her screams sounded musical...her fear was divine...i could no longer hear the guitar play...I felt no guilt...

In all the electric madness and deceptive spectrum I try to find Jane...I find a girl lying on the floor...her hair was untied..her eyes met mine...She looked like an angel...her white dress was red...

Dreams

Every dream tells a story..
Every story is true..
The feel to feel the diadem,
of the monsters within you...

Every pill has a certain spell...
You see things you never see...
in a slumber with every monster,
from beyond the Niflhel sea...

Angel dust can help me wake up..
And lithium is my friend...
When I chant with all the varmints,
that are trying to pretend...

Into your hands I lay my spirit,
that is if I have any left..
Cause I sold my soul to the woman on the lane...
When I was in need of a gift...

I stand alone right here like stone...
They trip under shadows of green light..
I know it's what i secretly want..
Monsters throughout the night...

Beer!!

This is another portion from my little diary...about 3-4 years ago..

27th July 2009

Dear diary... Waddupp!!
I am in Arnala right now and the place here is so spectacular and magical!! Its almost 3am and I'm a in two minds if i should walk to the beach or not..
This place, unlike back at the city is completely dark and deserted.. And i don't want to get chopped up by some psycho killer so I'd guess I'd rather stay in the hotel compound and go to the beach at dawn...

Its funny to know how a few bottles of kingfishers and a couple hundred stars in the sky can make life so enticing... The place is divine, the wind is smooth.. The water from the swimming pool is glistening like emeralds...my friends are flying, dancing to the beastie boys...my blood cells do not depend on the weather to claim its happiness...

I tried smoking today.. This is probably the 3rd time that I've touched a cig in my life... I dint like it at all...
I dunno how my friends do it..But that's alright.. I'm no kinda person that gets influenced...this beer should keep me floating for now..

Life is fun at the moment...things are beautiful... I'm just getting used to my freedom...after all...that's the next best gift after life...I don't understand why people hate their lives so much...they're always serious about things and always want to win...well..honestly...even I love winning....but never at the cost of another one being unhappy...

maybe there are things that I still need to understand...but that may come in time...for now...I have the comfort of my family and the safety of my guardian angels...there's nothing more that I could ask for...

Fuzz

I used to never really get angry...maybe once in a while..when I was really provoked...but quite a few times..pretty rare incidents that I can recall...
Anger is aberrant...it brings down the ability to make sensible decisions...It impels you to take reactive ones... and I'm pretty sure bout one thing...reactive decisions are dangerous...they can really fuck things up..
Things are really different these days...I have these anger surges almost every time.. Its like these rage waves creating storms inside my head...
I spoke to a friend today...She was one of my best friend once upon a time...not anymore.. we had a fight...and I dunno... that was quite a long time ago...
So we were all engrossed in a casual conversation while she managed to say something to get me rabid...
I know it wasn't so bad to react the way I did...  but I couldn't help it...
I cut the conversation  then and there...
walking away...I could feel my head getting heavier..night was setting in... and I could see all of the lights blurring...I knew what I had to do...or rather what my body wanted me to do...I take stumbling steps as I scurry across the road..escaping the passing cars..My earphones were already in my head by now... blasting to the Zeppelins...
I see the dybbuk eye to eye and he instantly knows what I needed...I pull out my illuminator...and light up the dybbuk's gift...smoke clouds in front of my eyes...one drag...and things start getting better....another one and my head was now lighter than before....
I step on the remains of my cigarette...everything seemed to make sense now...nothing was blurred anymore...
no more anger...no more hate...

Wishes..

Yesterday was a Sunday...I loved Sundays...Going to church to see the girl that I was in love with...it was a habit...but that changed....ever since we dated and broke up.. but thats not what I feel like writing about today...
I usually download random music on Sundays...I came accross this song called Eat you alive...i could swear that i'd heard this song somewhere...couldn't remember though...it was quite a long time ago..

The same night I had a dream....and that's where the song came back to me...with the singer...and with all the fanfare...

There was this guy who performed on this very track...for a parish fest.. I know its not very befitting to be taking names on a blog..but I'm sure this guy wouldn't mind...

I was 17 back then...it was in 2009.... and I still have that clear picture of David on stage....I still remember what he wore...I remember the song...

He was tall.. he was cool... he had the crowd swaying...his friends screaming out his name..I wasn't really his friend... and I don't think I must have spoken to him much.. I knew a lot of his friends though...and he was quite an accepted guy... he was everything I wanted to be...

Well...David died...fell ill..i think he had malaria...that's what everyone said.. my friends tell me that it was due to all the smoking and stuff...they say his lungs were black...its been 3 years now..and everytime I think of him...its like me looking into a mirror..

I dunno...I'm 20... I smoke.. I drink..i have a lottt of friends...I'm pretty cool.. pretty known...I'm tall..got a tat..I play the guitar...I'm just everything that I wanted to be...however...I'm nothing that I needed to be....

my academics suffer..I'm not pretty keen of having a lott of friends...I don't actually want all of that anymore..and its stuck to me now...like a curse...I cant stop smoking...I drink...I've tried drugs...
I cant love anyone anymore...fuck! I cant love myself.. for starters...I have no reason to exist..I have no one...nothing to live for...

Life may not be hard on me at the moment...but I suppose my hallucinations are the only things that will have to get me by...